I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
