im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
