at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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