I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
