oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize