I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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