I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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