Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
