I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
