Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
