I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
