What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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