i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
