omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
