the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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