I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
