I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
