Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
