just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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