So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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