i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
