dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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