i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
