A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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