This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
