so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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