i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
