I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
