Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I enjoy the company of your penis
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
