i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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