If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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