I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
