If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
