i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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