went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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