So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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