I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize