life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
