and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
