the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
