dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Pants are for mortals
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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