I wish my penis had an off switch
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
