So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just want to make out with him forever
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize