Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
