fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
