You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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