cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
