i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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