I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
