get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
