Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
