Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize