Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
