I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
