she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
