Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
