Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
