I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
