Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
